If you...

If you were asked about what kind of superpower would you desire to have, what would you say?

"What superpower would you like to have??"

Me? Well... I'd choose a power to turn back time.

It seems like, the more you grow older, the more time becomes your arch enemy.
You would wish that you were younger, or wish that you could do more. Somehow, at a very certain point you would always seem to wish for more time...

"I wish I had more time to do my homework"
"I wish I had more time to get ready"
"I wish I had more time to think about this hard exam question"

"I wish I could have spent more time with you"

Our regrets just grow as we age. Not having anytime at all for what is most important in our lives.
My mother used to say that not having ANY time to DO something is not an excuse, everyone has 24 hours in a day. It's fair. If they were able to do everything and anything with that given 24 hours, why can't you do the same?
So do we really don't have enough time?

Or is it that THAT time was not reserved for the most heart wrenching regret you have in your heart?

Yeah. Mine is the 2nd one.
I regret not having to be a better person, a better daughter and a better grand daughter, when he was still around.

He was sick, he had a stroke. Since the first day I got myself enrolled in UTM, it was only a few days I saw him hopelessly lying on the hospital bed. We was deep in his slumber. Nobody knew when he was going to wake up again, nor did they know if he ever will. My mother kept telling me to go and see him every once a while while he was still breathing, and I had to oblige. Even tough I didn't want to. I hated the times I had to travel so far just to see him. But I should have known better.
He got better after and I thought everything was fine. I was about to be so happy with an unburdened life. No driving the car all the way the other side of Malaysia just to see him. But at that time things took a dark turn for me.
He came to my house instead, forcing me to come home every single day just to see him and help him. I hated it. I hated it so bad. My friends hated me for always ditching them all the time, my mother told me to not tell anyone of this somewhat contract I'm in, and everyday of my life became a living hell. At that point I hated them and myself. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle this kind of situation.
So that day, I told my mom, " I don't want to do this anymore," she was sad to hear that, trying to hold in her tears. "Why?" she asked.
"I wanna do my job,in my robotics club mom, please leave me alone for once,"
She cried.
I didn't.
And I regretted that.
That night, during our examination week, he took me by surprise.
That night when my mother called, "he's gone," was all she said to me.
I realized, that I loved him. I loved him to my heart's deepest core,but he doesn't know that.
He'll never know. I regret it. Very much.
I wish I had done better to him. I really do.

I wish I could turn back time,just to see him one more time. Just one more time, to tell him my feelings before he goes away.

I really do.

Now, I spend my life regretting every little mean things said and done. Every day I see my friends' faces, the scar just goes deeper. It hurts every time. I can't bare to even look at them anymore. Not after what I've done. I'm sorry guys.
No one knows this pain. It'll perish along with these regretful memories of mine. In secret. I wishI could tell you guys the truth about my truth, but I made an oath to my mother.

This story stays with me and only me.

The Little Helper at Midnight

Every morning, I hear the high pitched squeaking sound at the entrance of my door, never failing to wake me of my deep slumber. Every morning I hear footsteps coming closer and closer to it's aid but when I turn the knob, he was never there.

What could it be?

Who would come to the aid of these homeless when no one else would?

My eyes wildly scanned the hall for a sign, just a single sign of presence but alas silence was the only thing that answered my call. I starred down at the homeless, sighed then smiled.

"Meow"

How could anyone not appreciate and adore such innocent and beautiful eyes such as thee? This would had succumb to the cruelty of time, leaving such pure hearts burn in ashes of darkness, dwindling in the web of fear until thee is of not of pure light any longer.

But once in a life time, like now, you would fine a person roaming the city with nothing to give spends their love and happiness for others to share. Scares away the loneliness in children's hearts and tuck them into beds, leaves food for the homeless and aid the need. This person of mysteries are quite rare to be seen in bright day light as they linger in the dark but never consumed in selfishness. This person of pure intentions was always misjudged and sometimes never known by people of it's kind, because this person of mysteries did all of the things people never did was for only one reason only.

That reason is for Allah the almighty.

:)

Ramadhan... Oh Ramadhan...

Bismillah... peace be upon you my dear reader,

Lately just a few days of dear Ramadhan had past and this peace syaitan-less month had me thinking. It is a huge honor to be given the privilege to blog out this thought.

Here I go!^^

There was once a time not so long ago (well.. just a few days ago actually..teheee) where I had over heard an individual spoke to his brothers and sisters.

He had said, "Ramadhan is a month where syaitan all around the world (*pin point* just exaggerating) are tide-up and locked in hell which only means that we're left with ourselves and our inseparable friend our nafs." They all nodded in agreement along with myself. Then he had his eyes fixed on his brothers and sisters and he stated again;

"If any of you claim to want to self indulge yourself than Ramadhan is the best time for you to do so because no outsider is getting in your way, blinding you of what your true intentions are, so whatever is left with you during the Ramadhan is only YOU"

And to this locks clicked and doors opened. It makes sense I said to myself. Whatever happens to me during this festive month is based mainly on my own accord. I looked to my left, then to my right, from the faces made by my family I concluded that they were feeling the same way.

Ramadhan is the month for you to truly distinguish your true colors, and lately, I have to admit I'm just a tad shade of grey maybe with a tinge of purple-ish blue. (An emotional wreck in other words.)

Then a sudden voice whispered in my ears. I hadn't been listening carefully before, rather I never even bothered to listen but on that moment, during that time Allah had opened my ears loud and clear until the whispers that I've ignored before came to me like thunder.

"You're a diamond" it said to me. "A rare piece of jewel. Pure at the core. Yet stained by dirt and ashes that came with the wind. But hear me out! You made it thus far, no matter how much the wind blew you strengthened your roots and never gave in. So they never got to your core, you're still pure at your core just like how everyone else is when they were born and surfaced into this world," she said and gave me a light tap on my shoulder then gave me a warm smile.

"Don't give up, it's Ramadhan and it still is. Make it count"

I smiled. It's true! I still have a chance. I thought to myself...

So all of that leads me to one thing a servant of Allah had shared with me.
3 simple tips to graduate in Ramadhan with flying rainbows^^ (please, if you're a student avoid using this saying...)

1. Get intimate with your wiffy or hubby the QURAN as much as possible because they are your umbrella in the afterlife for as long as you would imagine.
2. Make sure you get yourself sold with the best price in your SOLAT with khushu'-ness. (I am aware that that's not even a word -,-)
3. Purchase extraordinary INFAQ cement to secure the homes and farms you've made in Jannah thus far.

Because Ramadhan will only come once every in 11 months. So why not?

Well there you go, that's my thought. Alhamdulillah I thank Allah the creator of the high heavens for giving me the opportunity to voice this thought in a way that I hope would help you. I'm a servant ready to help! Yosh!

p/s: If you ever happen to read this abandoned blog, then just know this -though it's just a feeling of mine- Allah, our creator is trying to reach out to you BECAUSE He still LOVES you. Give it a chance meh?

salamualaikum :)

Begger in the Streets on Unknown

Bismillah...
Peace be upon you...

Now normally I would just start this long not-so-awaited entry with the fact that it's been such a long period of time since I last posted ANYTHING at all ANYWHERE in the Internet. Had a few complications here and there, and I kindda had to miss a few interviews for my brother's sake. Doesn't matter anymore anyways... for family it's always worth it, but what matters right now or I should say what's kindda making me angry at the moment is that this so called fate is trying to play games again.

I thought that the only reason why I'm feeling like I've been dumped in hell was because I had committed a sin. I've made up my mind to leave every possible hurtful painful stressful assumptions in the past and never look back. I thought I did the right thing. I thought that if I didn't look back that there's no way I'd see it again... but no matter where I look it's always there. It's like I'm haunted to the depth of my core and I can't do anything about it. I left the bench.. this time I really did leave. I left without a trace but... it's like all I did after I left was walking in circles. Yes, I'm tired and I need a rest but the only bench I see is the last one I sat on.

Why would I want to sit on a bench that shattered me to pieces?

After school, reality really hit me hard. The long life friends that I've made ended up to be something fake trying to lure me into the darkest shadows they would call 'The Light'. The people outside my sanctuary never really were humans in the first place and always seems to believe that kindness never will exist in this cruel world. My best companions all have grudges on the only place I know to call home.

Now almost everyone looks like entertainers. I lost my umbrella on a rainy day. I lost my balloons along with my smile. I lost the old man's shoulders that never fails to put me to sleep. I'm walking aimlessly in a theme park on a very busy Sunday. No matter how much I shout... the music booms louder.

I'm scared.

I'm terrified so I reached out my hands. Anything, anything would do as long as I'm saved from this never ending Nile river but alas, I continue to drift further and further dwindling into the darkest corners of the streets.

Homeless, cold, scared and helpless.

So please. I'm hurt and alone. I've always had been. Please, won't you just stay behind that glass so I'll know that this will never be? Won't you just make the clock stay on midnight so I'll never return knowing all this lie will go away? Won't you just look the doors so I won't have a chance to save you before the last petal? Won't you just give up seeing that my castle is full of thorns? Won't you just let me turn into bubbles after you marry someone else?

Have your happy ending as you please but please if I'm just the flower girl than don't come smiling at me. I don't want to see it.

A flower has 5 petals..

Bismillahi Rahmaanir Rahiim...

A flower has five petals..
Count with me...
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...

Remember that day when we were counting flower petals with our mom? We were young then, we didn't know much about life. Life then was just a  dream to us, filled with hopes and dreams... and the people who love us...

Love..

It's an excruciatingly painful thing, yet mysteriously relieving.

No one has had the right definition towards the word love or whether it exists. I guess I'm just another one of those individuals. But I can tell you one thing about love...

The one being loved is like a flower. Both fragile and beautiful. My grandmother once told me that if you like a single flower than don't pick it. If you do it'll wilt and die. Than it won't be as beautiful anymore and you'd have to throw it away.

Instead she told me to replant it. Than only will it grow bigger and more beautiful than it ever was.

This she told me was love.

Anyone can love the surface of a flower. What's not to love? It's beautiful and fragrant. Has very lovely colours and very attractive. But only one true to his duties and feelings will be able to love the flower internally. Only he would care for it like it was his own life. Until it grows and glows magnificently under the moon.

True love don't burn you down, it turns you into a better person and closer to your Creator.

That was what she said. If it doesn't, than it is not called love. Right?

Well, I'll leave you to judge.

Gifts of today

Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
But today is a gift,
That is why they call it the 'present'.

But how sure are you that history will never be?
How sure are you that tomorrow will be?
How sure are you that today instead of being given a tremendous gift, you forgot to take it?

Forget...

No matter how simple the word sounds. No matter how often people experience it. No matter how frequent we say we forget. It must occur to us that forgetting is syaitan's biggest weapon.

To make us forget.

When we were gifted to this wolrd, we knew who we were. We knew who to worship. We promised Him that we will make Him, Allah our Illah until He takes us back to meet our creator.

Astaughfirullah..

All of that changed because we forgot.

We forgot our main purpose of existence, we forgot who our true love is.

I have forgotten...

That is why Allah has sent me friends.

They tell me where I'm wrong and why I'm wrong. They tell me how I should be in order to be a better Muslim. They hold me up when I'm about to fall deep. They are the gifts of today that we should always appreciate even if its only just a 1 second friendship.

Because a Muslims stay together,  fight together, and insyaAllah will hand in hand enter the Jannah Firdaus. Subahanallah.

The Quran and the Sunnah. Also our friends... are the gifts of today.. :)

A touch of life...

Bismillahi rahmani rahiim...

Today was a fine day. Everything went well.

Alhamdulillah...

It wasn't as good as before but it was fine.

Alhamdulillah...

I could move.

Alhamdulillah...

I can breathe.

Alhamdulillah...

I could see His magnificent creations. Their beauty is of anything the mind could ever imagine. The brilliance is of nothing the humam mind could accomplish.

Alhamdulillah...

Isn't life wonderful?

If...

We live for Allah. We die for Allah. We eat for Allah. We study for Allah. We LOVE for Allah untill jannah.

Life is very meaningful.

Lillahi ta'ala,  everything is wonderful.
So how many times have you said alhamdulillah today for everything?

None yet?

It's never too late to worship our beloved Ilah.

So start now.

Wasalam...