Assalamualaikum...

Bismillahi rahmani rahiim..

In the name of Allah most gracious, most compassionate..

Laying here in the midst of His creation, I am dwindled. I was blind... and I guess I still am. Astaghfirullah..

How did it turn this way?
Where did I go wrong?

I was sad..
I was depressed..
I was angry..
So I turned away... far away..

From You...
And Your blessing...

I gave into him..
Yet You gave me friends as blessings to keep me with You..
I started my days with him on my mind...
Yet You're beautiful ayat were still played for my wretched ears to listen..
So I'd remember You...
Even if it's just for a moment..
I ignored your calls..
Just so that I could have it my way...
Yet You still gave me the pleasures of life...
But what is life without You, oh almighty...

I've sinned...
Sinned in the worst way...
Buy your forgiveness is undeniable...

How could I've been so blind...

Blind by the 'dunia'

I'm ashamed...
Ashamed to call myself a Muslim...
Ashamed to call myself the servant of the One..
The most Gracious...
I'm ashamed that I have astray..
Far from where I should be..
But I have no one else to blame but me...

Our sahabah had onced been asked,

"What is the greatest nikmah to be received for a muslim? "

One of them said "wealth,"

Then they are asked, "what nikmah is bigger than that a Muslim had ever received?"

One of them said, "the nikmah of health and prosperity, "

"Bigger than that? " he asked again.

One of them said,"the nikmah of iman and Islam, "

"Bigger than that?" He asked again.

They all fell silent.  They did not understand neither could they find the answer to thay question.  The asker smiled then said,

"The biggest nikmah that a Muslim has ever received is having Allah as God"

Having Allah as God is more than anything we could ever ask for. Why?

He loves us. He cares for us. He gives us second chances.  He forgives us. He remembers us.
Most of all, He gives us everything we asked for.

Everything.

So tell me now...

Who should we live for?

Puding...

Puding..

Caramel Puding..

I remember that day when my eyes met you for the first time.

It was like a jolt of electricity had struck my lifeless core.

It had been so long since I've felt excitement rushing in me.

It had been so ling since I've felt the agony of pain tormenting me.

There are many candies out there.

Very delicious ones.

But when I'm here,

all I see is you.

Puding...

It's hard to think that we would ever be..

because I'm out here, and you're in there,

tucked safely and peacefully behind that glass.

It's hard not being able to touch you.

Not with these filthy hands.

It's hard not being able to claim you as mine.

Not with these torn, worn up clothes.

A beggar from the streets like me, an outcast...

would never have a chance,

to taste the sweetness of your caramel

like everyone else would of their's.

I'm scared that one day, someone else might see you.

I'm scared that one day, someone else might take you away.

Far away from me...

Forever...

I don' want forever.

Forever seems like a long time.

It'll shatter me.

It'll shatter me to pieces..

Until nothing of me remains.

Isn't there anything I could do?

Anything I could do to tell them that I want you.

To tell them that I need you.

To tell you that I'm happy whenever you're around.

To let you know that even just from behind the glass,

I'm grateful to get to see you, smile at you and sense you're alluring aroma.

Because I know as you do too

that this might be our last.

My last.

Their moving you.

You're moving away,

to a better place.

Where I don't get to see you anymore.

Where I don't get to hear of you anymore.

Where I don't get to smile from you're sweetness anymore.

I'll miss that.

A lot.

Please don't hate me.

I just wish you'd know.

That I really do like you...

Thinker...

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Compassionate...

What makes a thinker?

Well, at school basically I learnt that a thinker is a person who could generate exotic ideas as a  result of thinking deeply and in a passionate way.

Yeah, I know... I get called 'the walking dictionary' all the time. It's totally natural. But  the point is a thinker in this context says that you're able to produce ideas that are out of the box and - what people my kind would say- going against the tide. In my opinion, since roughly estimating the normal human brain could handle 10 quadrillion instructions per second then thinkers can handle 10.1 quadrillion instructions per second...

Not that much of a diff? Well of course it won't have that much difference. We're just the same you and I. Homo sapiens. How different can I be from you? But lets save that question for later. ;)

The human brain when awake has enough energy to light a single light bulb, therefore millions, billions, trillions of ideas are generated every second which -by now you should know- makes an individual a thinker.
But the hint starts here...

Can you see the resemblance between them?

How about a similar pattern?

No.

There is absolutely no resemblance between the famous thinkers such as Leonardo daVinci, Mozart, Einstein, imam Syafi'e, sultan al Fateh and even al khwarizmi.

Okay... maybe I got that from Monsters University. You must think me as a childish person and immature and bla.. bla.. bla.. yada.. yada.. ect.. but good things should be shared, yeah?

What I was saying is that ideas may appear in different forms and ways.. so why up until now would our kind be too judgmental about ideas.

Take Adidas and Puma. (I just got this last night... heeeee :3) For starters both the creators of the brand were brothers. One is named  Adi and the other younger brother was named something-das (just for the favor that I forgot their full names) when put together becomes Adidas.  On one special day  they got into a fight, then the younger left the 'Adidas FC' and made his own called 'Puma'. Both had lots of colorful Sharpie to fly with. The point is that they have different ideas and both of them sell. Like Ustaz Zul said they sold 'Ideas'. (That actually caught my ear at the time, it's past my bed time. Boo) Rawhazza! Now we can all be Mark Zuckerberg; all we have to do is sell our brains! :D

Well, you can actually get a lot of money by selling parts of your organs in the black markets BUT don't take that into account. I really DON'T want to be responsible for whatever is in the trash.

So to say actually, people differ generally from standards and capability thus differing the productivity of their ideas. (I do not know where I'm going with this idea and am totally writing what ever comes to mind) So don't judge. In every generation there will be people who may appear to be a bit different then the majority of citizens. They don't go with the flow and are often prejudiced just because they have a different way of thinking. Da Vinci seldom stays with people anyways and people always thought that he was a tad different from other 'normal's in the world. BUT people of every millennium love his ideas, his paintings and his inventions. They're actually trying with their best efforts to rebuilt his inventions even.

So to say when a friend comes by with an odd idea or thinks a tad differently, then don't just sweep it away. You'll never know when Spongebob's pretty patties might actually be a break to your dream car or whatever dream you have. Sorry Mr Crabs, no harm done.

Lastly, all ideas come and generate from the Creator, Allah the Almighty.

"...Thus Allah makes clear to you the verses [of revelation] that you might give thought."
[2:219]

wallahu alambisswaab.

Feelings...

Feelings are difficult things...

Sometimes it's pretty easy to tell what you feel.. like when you get a present for your birthday or go to your favourite restaurant eating your favourite food, it makes you feel happy. But during other times... especially as you get older... happiness doesn't just revolves around your favourite food or favourite singer... it changes...

You'll start to feel happy for someone else,  feel sad when they are too, miss them, and have this excited feeling by just the thought of seeing them again...

it's weird...

It's like you can't really focus on the things you need anymore.
It's like your priorities have shifted.
It's like nothing else in this world matter as much as that one person...
Like... you'll die for that person...

How is this possible?

Even Einstein doesn't have the answer to that.

Human nature... that's what I've heard from my peers. A phenomenon unable to be cracked by logic.

But there's a catch...

Not all roads are smooth.

On a certain route...
There comes the heart break... where you think life is meaningless without them... where you think you won't be able to move on any longer. ..
Where you feel that by ending this hell would make everything better...
But it doesn't...

What is this?

Why am I feeling this way?

I don't know.

How can I stop?

Break your heart...

How?

ummi, mama, ibu, mom, mother...

Today, was a fine day...

We were going out, wanted to grief for his mercy...
Then I saw a young girl carrying her belongings to the elevator, I smiled to myself at the memories of my now very far away family... but wait...

A very exhausted looking woman was tagging along behind her carrying a huge load with her as she staggered on. An item slipped from her hands,

"next time be careful when you bring my things," said... the girl...

My heart sank.




Today was a fine day...
We were in a cafeteria, praising his creations...
Then I saw a young girl, probably around 5 tugging and pulling an enormous trash can, I frowned.
How could someone treat her in such a way? she was innocent, so very young.

A very exhausted looking woman walked behind her wearing a sad expression. she reached out with her dirty hands to collect trash,

"don't worry mother, I'll do that. Your hands are too pure to touch such things," said... the girl...

My heart enlightened.



Our mother is the person who gave birth to us.
She is not perfect.
She is not rich.
But she was, and still is the person who loves us right from the start,
Who cared for us when anyone else wouldn't,
who would kiss us goodnight and keep us in her arms in a stormy night.

So what is she to us?

She should be our queen.
She should be our hero.
She should be the one we love the most.

So should we treat her like a slave?
No.

Should we shout at her for thinking she's wrong?
No.

Should we leave her lost and never come back?
No.

She's our mother, our only mother we have and will ever have...
so don't you love her?

Short Story of Friends.

Sitting under a very old oak tree, his nose buried in his hard covered book completely oblivious to his surroundings, John’s golden locks shimmered under the sun’s ray peeking between the tree leaves. Whenever he has a hold of a book, be it just a short story or a five inches thick novel, he would read all the way. Honestly, I don’t recall anyone seeing him doing anything else besides breathing in his book. 

John is a very quiet guy. He is very tall, taller than a basketball pole, I think and they say his eyes are as blue as the clear sky, though no soul has actually seen it. How could we? His face was always hidden behind the facade of a book.

“Yo Cook. You’re flirting with that nerd again?” I heard as a hand rested, gripping on my shoulder with a light slap. I turned to see, it was my friend, Don. “Dude, we are 50 miles away, how can you call that flirting? And I'm not bi,” I said, swatting his hand away. He laughed.

“Joking man”

 I snorted. It wasn’t that I like him in any way but he was always alone only accompanied by his book. You could say I pitied him because a teenage life without friends is a life without internet, or a life without television, a boring black and white life.

“Kringgg!!”

My friend tapped my shoulder, signaling that he was heading to class. I dismissed him with a nod, not carrying to look at him. Since I had free period, I lingered in the cafeteria jotting down my biology experiment jotter. I hate homework. Then, I heard a soft cough. I pulled my head upwards, scanning the school lawn for any presence and that was when our eyes met. It’s true, I thought to myself. His eyes are as blue as the sky, as calm as the ocean and very friendly. It was inviting and I felt that maybe I can give it a chance. 

He raked his gaze away from mine as I saw him slightly blushing as he turned. This is weird.

I slammed my text book, shoved it in my bag and stomped up to the oak tree where John sat still blushing. “Hi, you’re John, I’m Cook. Pleasure, we’re friends now, let’s hang out” I mumbled as I stretched my hand to him. 

He stayed silent. 

I was dumbfounded, to his reaction, “I said, I’m Cook. We’re friends, let’s hang out.” 

He remained quiet. Did I say something wrong? Did I upset him by any chance? Why won’t he say anything?

Then his phone vibrated. He picked up his phone, said a few words then stood up and abruptly ran out the school gate. Shocked, I stumbled on my feet but managed to catch up to his surreal speed. Who knew a basketball pole can run that fast. I managed to follow him illegally to the hospital, gasping, I stood in front of an opened door that held a very old woman lying helplessly on the hospital bed with John kneeling by her side. “John, why are you here?”

“I’m here for you,”

“You shouldn’t always be here with me. Worry more of yourself and your friends, I don’t have much left,” her voice melodious. 

“I don’t have any,” said John.

She smiled, “why?”

“I don’t want to lose anyone like how I lost mom and dad, not anymore, not again. And I don’t want to lose you” John said as small sobs escaped his lips.

feeling the sudden rush of courage, I slowly walked in unnoticed and I muttered “I’m here,” resting my hand on his. 

“We’re friends, so I’ll have your back. We’ll make it out together.” 

Then he smiled.

calling of Iman...

Peace be upon my beloved yet very little readers,

It had been a very long exstand of time that I hadn't wrote any posts. Well, today is your very lucky day... or unlucky.. which ever fits in your position :)

It had been three weeks since I entered UiTM and my life now is... well... to say the least... peachy. But I have a small story as I like to name it, to tell. It's not something big or extra plus ordinary but I'm sure if someone was to read this... please to all do respect...

answer that call.

As I walked past the throngs of people my eyes caught sight of a man in white, seemingly like in his early 50-ties. He came strolling in, stopped at the entrance, looked to his right, then to his left then sighed. It wasn't any of one in a million miraculous sight but somehow his thorough actions had pulled my heart to ask of the reason for his sorrows.

Why?

It wasn't long after that I heard the call. Oblivious to my surroundings I stood nailed to the floor, pacing back and forward, waiting. I was at the merge of breaking down the whole store for the quiet annoying services given but that's when I saw the old man again. Our eyes had met during the cliche moment and I had felt the anguish of guilt flooding my system. It didn't make sense.

Why?

He raked his eyes away from mine and looked to everyone who were still eating, still laughing, still playing and most of all still talking of others.

Then it all made sense.
I looked at those who were laughing and talking, even while eating.

"We must remain silence during the azan.."

I looked to those who were eating, sleeping,and studying.

"When you hear the azan, stop what you are doing and immediately submit to prayers..."

Astaghfirullah...

It all made perfect sense. The old man had seen this coming. He had worried they would turn a cold shoulder to the call.

"One way to determine the strength of your Iman is by answering to the call of Iman itself," my teacher's words rang.

The call of Iman, the azan, as wonderful and melodious it was, was being ignored just for the sake of dunia.
It had saddened me that even I myself was one of those unlucky people. So, to make up for that humongous lost why not we (you and me) together make this little change? :)

because Jannah is not for me or you...

It's for US. InsyaAllah. :)

Tips on a healthy gossip a.k.a mengumpat

Surprised?
Well I don't blame you, you should be surprised. If you're not... well... wow... I don't know what to say.
I guess I'm just not good with surprises... lol...

Hmm?

Yeah, you didn't misread the title. The title does say 'Tips on a Healthy Gossip'
The one verb that every soul have accomplished as bad.

Well you know what?
Scrap that.

I have tips on 'mengumpat' that you'll take a shine on.

So here are the tips.


TIP #1

Always think of Allah when you're gossiping.

It is Allah who set the rule of no gossiping of others.
It is Allah who told us to speak only good of each other.
It is Allah who has created us.
So why not think of Him whenever you're gossiping?
It makes sense. He gave us the idea to gossip in the first place right?


TIP #2

Judge yourself.

When you gossip.. or better yet before you gossip, ask yourself.
Are YOU perfect?
I'm flawfull (if that's even a word)
Because if you're talking about another of Allah's creation of it's imperfection, then you must be perfect yourself.
Isn't that mainly just logic?

The Prophet had said:
" Gracious to those who work hard on improving themselves, than talk bad of others"

Because no one is perfect.
But imperfectly perfect.
(by Alex Lambert... he's pretty cool too)

What? One Direction's not the only singers around.


TIP #3
(haha funny clicking the same button)

Syukur.

Even thought you're visually better then the person you gossip about, but no need to rub it in.
Look at it in this perspective,
you won't even win a lottery if you gossip about them. You should say Alhamdulillah for this magnificent talent you have.

But hey, if gossiping makes you rich then be my guess.

OK. Not literally.


TIP #4
(the last tip of the day)

Empathy.

Try putting yourself in his shoes.
If people talk bad about you, how would you feel?

I mean I'd cry a river but... forget I said that...

The point is that person will feel like how you would feel right?
So why not be a sport and forget about gossiping for today.

You can try again tomorrow.

That was scary.
I honestly don't know why I put that there. 0.0

So, I kind of lied a bit about the healthy gossip thing but at least you got something right?

kriiiik kriiiik kriiik

Oh sheesh at least laught AT me of not WITH me.

OK. Stop.

Sigh.
Moral of the story. A healthy gossip is not gossiping at all. -just in case you get it-
Last from me. :)

Have fun trying it out! :D

Ukhuwah

Ukhuwah.
What is ukhuwah?

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah = friendship?

Yes.
But there is more to it then friendship.

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah = loyalty?

Yes.
But ukhuwah is more then just loyalty.

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah = trust?

Yes.
But khuwah is more then just trust.

So what exactly is ukhuwah?

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah is friendship laced with aqidah.
In time shall it create a strong tree that will foster fruits of endless pleasure to many.

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah is a bungee rope tied to your feet at the merge of falling.
No matter how you stretch it,
Their loyalty remains unquestionable.
Bringing you back to the One and only.

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah is a parachute when you're falling in the sky.
Your life was on the line but gave your trust even moments before you reach the ground.
Because you trust it'll save you.

Ukhuwah.
Ukhuwah is love.
Ukhuwah is the Lord's love for us.
Ukhuwah is His nikmah for us.
Ukhuwah is a route to heaven.
Because when a friend in need is a friend indeed.
Allah sent us friends who advise us when we do wrong.
Friends who tell us to commit good deeds.
Friends with akhirah's benefits.
Friends who give doa behind our backs.
Hands that we'll hold untill Jannah.
InsyaAllah.

Note that I've said friends, not friend.

Once you've found ukhuwah you'll not get only 1 but million others as friends.
Brothers and sisters.

This is ukhuwah.

Allah most mesmerizing beauty.
So beautiful the eyes cease to see.
So melodious the ears caese to hear.
So blissfull the tounge caese to taste.
Only the heart can feel this beauty.

So?
What are you waiting for?
Did you find ukhuwah?

choices

Hey my dear beloved readers (kriik... kriiik... kriiik...)

Okay... it's been quite a long time since I've posted well... anything that I feel like posting. I just got a writer's block,
(It's a lieeee~ *whispers*)

 

Well, I've just talked to my mom and our conversation somehow trickled an idea in my head. Hmm...

The first word that came popping in my head was CHOICES. I was just thinking, how could you know when a CHOICE is WRONG?

That's right NO ONE KNOWS!

It's obvious that nobody will ever know whether the choices they've made will bring misfortune or not. Not even Google could interpret this surreal phenomena.

Yeah... that Google...

So you know what I personally think? Forget about it.. don't worry yourself over such trivial things. Have you ever heard Justine Bieber say "Never say never until you try"?
Pufff~ Of course not that's why I don't think he makes such a good icon you know what I mean? :D

Okay back to our main event. What I'm saying is if you're faced with hard decisions and difficult choices, then my advice would be just do what your heart tells you.

Yeah.. I'm only showing this to you because the picture's nice :P

Some oldies might say that following you heart might not be such a good idea and that's just ways to get you to jump off a cliff then I say we have a book that settles all that uncertainties.

The QURAN.

Yup the one and only Holy book or like my friend likes to call it love letters from our creator... but really, I think calling it the Quran is much shorter... no harm done eh? :D This book has the answer to every problem faced...

Even for this fellow's problem.

So my conclusion is just decide. Despite every word tossed to you in hell hard ways, just decide and always hope for the best.

Hey maybe it's not as hard as you think it is...

Lastly from meh~

Inspirations...

This is one of the many songs that inspire me to still play piano.. and of course other things in life..

The singer may not be popular but in my opinion this is one of the most touching songs that could clearly been seen written from her heart :)

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Peace and out.

Friendship

Now normally I would be starting my lame speeches with weird questions... so...

Like the title as you can see above, it's pronounced friendship ( I don't know if it'll make any difference since I'm not actually saying it :D). The question would be, do you know what friendship really is? Like REALLY know it?

Sure everyone has their own definition of a friendship and I as a humble person, a servant to be more exact am not against them just to be clear. But the real question that I wanted to post was, WHY are we even friends in the first place? What was the REASON of our friendship? Normally if we were kids we would find the first person that catches our eyes and say something like "Hi" or if you're more blunt with your actions you would just say "Would you be my BEST friend?"

That's quite typical for kids, children but we're way beyond that era now I presume. Teenagers aren't any straight forward and immature beings as we have developed a few skills of our own so there has to be at least some reason why we became friends with the person we're with now.

Most people (don't be offended ) when asked why did you become friends? They have completely no answer what so ever. Either that or they would say they don't know why they were friends in the first place and say stuff like do I NEED a reason to be friends? Well for a moment there I thought that that would be a cool thing to say and that just might be one of the nicest things to say but sadly, life doesn't work that way.

Everyone has their reasons why they pick a certain person to be their friends weather you believe it or not. It might be that this person listens to you better or it might be that that person can keep a secret better, or it might just be because of the money and all the cool stuff they own. But for all these reasons, a person has concluded that once they ( the so called friends ) are not up to your expectations, you just end up throwing them away because they don't listen anymore, because they don't know how to keep secrets anymore, because now they're poor. Or in other words they're completely useless to you. Only then will you start saying things like "What kind of friend are you?" or maybe "Some friend you are."

So why are we friends any way?

Well, just a little tip in life sometimes the best friend you have might not be the friend you think you would have. That's why your childhood friend ends up becoming your arch enemy.

True friends don't let you be a half-cooked egg.

Literally...

They wont just let you do things that you might regret in the after life...

In fact, they would go through the hard times and the happy times with you and remember you when you're not there by their side.

And true friends ADVICE you to not do the bad things you're about to do and not leave you behind in every bad occasions. They don't judge you, they HELP you to be a better person you are then before, though sometimes you don't shine, they MAKE you shine just as much at the least. A friend in need is a friend indeed,  they didn't make that quote for fun.

So just think about it... are you a true friend? Because you know what turns around comes around.

So...

peace and out! :)

Car~ Car~ D:

Hola~ today was a wonderful day. Haha, not saying this because of anything particular but I finally got to get my hands behind wheels. :D Wooooo~ I drove and it was the most awesome sensation ever!

haaa~ that was amazing. I just have no way of expressing this in words.. ufufufuuuu~

At first the teacher asked me to just drive normally and do a U turn...

Opps! hehehe.. wrong windo..

this U turn :D

 and I totally freaked out. I was like WHAT?!!

Okay... wrong picture...

Ooookaaaayy~ maybe.. not this one either but you understand what I mean :)
 but the teacher was very understanding so he guided me along the way... and it felt much much much much much much much more easier than I would have ever guessed.

It was like...

yeah.. that easy..

so everything went so well and I was very happy gahaahahahahaha ;D
so last but not least...

peace and out :D

Promoting...

Promoting....

A new young comer. She just got her blog and I would like you to check it out. :)

ForIhariz My Online Diries

I know it's not much but never say never until you try.

It's just how its suppose to be

After reading a friend's blog, it somehow got me thinking-well not of the particular subject- but about us. Us as human beings. It's really just something amazing to think that if you fall hard- not literally- a person could still get back up on one's feet and strives for a better life.

We as human laugh when we're happy or satisfied, we cry when we're sad or maybe sometimes angry and get our ears burned when we're extremely embarrassed. These things happen with our own actions and our own will. We caused them, now I'm not trying to rub it in that we should always hold ourselves liable for the pains or broken hearted events that had happened but just think about it, if none of this happened then what will?

It had hit me pretty hard that this life is somehow like a novelist's role in creating a hit novel. You know how novelist tend to change their novel plot line as they have these add hock ideas coming out of the blue, rummaging their brains to further manipulate their stories. At first they have no main role of any particular event in the plot itself but as the novelist goes further, these add hock ideas somehow completes the puzzles and forms the absolute mind blowing peak.

How do I say this is like life?

Well, its pretty simple. We always do add hock things in life, like for instance, you suddenly fart in front of the whole class and they all laugh hard at you. You don't really mean to do so but you did anyways, then the next few weeks you end up participating in the world's longest fart competition and won first place! How good is that?!

Okay, I admit maybe farting isn't the best option for a more realistic example.

Umm, lets take Gundam Seed Destiny for a more realistic example (what?! I still think it's realistic plus it has the word destiny in it ). The main character, Kira Yamato was some random -hot- geek guy that befriended a -weird- blue haired guy named Athrun Zala. You ADD HOCKly -is that even a word?- find a friend from nowhere and in addition one that you never knew existed, then become best friends for life.

 Well in this story, Athrun who is actually Kira's best friend ends up being Kira's best enemy and the tomboyish girl who he randomly (p/s totally add hock) meets, Cagalli ends up being his twin sister. Now if you happen to be a Gundam Seed fan, I'm not saying all these characters are add hock ideas from the mangaka but they firstly appear that way, you get what I mean? Moving on to life... the people we meet suddenly in life are the most common add hock actions we make every single day and mostly in life the people who we never expect plays the most supporting role in our lives and mean a lot more to us then we might think at first. So, we'll end up changing our novel life every singe time we breathe.

Don't think to become perfect just try your best and try hard. Don't sweat it in other words because when you finally publish your book, it's bond to be a hit.

Ask me

I've always asked myself "am I a hypocrite?"

I've always told myself to lie about me. When I'm sad I say I'm not, when I'm angry I say I;m not and tell them to forget about it. There are a few people who could distinguish this though not many, but that never stopped me to strive for perfection. Every time I know I've shown my true self I try harder to hide it. Its hard to have a friend this way right? so I imitate. That worked.

It's not that I don't want them to know, it's just... I don't want them to have pity on me, I don't want them to sympathise me. I've loved the feeling of loneliness until I've felt that this part of life is for eternity. That's why I've come to love my friends and family more then I love myself. Since I lie about myself, I don't show it so they don't know. Now, I don't know how to show it and I'll remain in this life of mystery alone as always. I wonder if that's why people usually believes in my lies than my truth?

please let it be a nightmare

It's me. Again.

I don't really know how to start this. I have no clue what so ever happened today. It was like I was in a bad dream, a dreadful nightmare and somehow this nightmare keeps on going on and on as if trying to tell me that it had no end to it, that it shouldn't end. It doesn't make any sense.

I think I should be put in a mental hospital or something. Sigh.

I woke up this morning after being slaved to do such harsh household work-I slept after dawn. Yes, like Cinderella but the catch was that I don't have a prince and I don't really believe that I will just so you know. Then suddenly, when I finally get to see my beloved brothers, mother and father curved a smile on their faces I thought, I actually thought that I had done something right in my pitiful life. I tried to be there for everyone as much as I can, I really did. Gosh I sound like a hypocrite. My mother and father mean a lot to me yet I've seem to be no use to them. They tell me that every day anyways. I don't want to brag about this one life of mine, though I know no one would care to listen. I know. I'm still adapting to this lonely for eternity thing.

But then after what I thought was happiness something just came out of the blue. Something I never expected. I don't know what was it about. But a dear friend of mine gave me this message telling me that she had waited until 1 o'clock. I don't really know what she was talking about, but I have a really bad feeling about this. I wonder if that was the reason for Miss A's apologies. She kept on saying she was sorry but never told me why. I won't kill myself. I have a family to keep an eye on, but even if someone does come and kill me for being accused of an unacceptable action then...

I guess knowing me... I'll always think that it was all MY FAULT, so I guess I'll just end up taking that blame and be punished for what I didn't do. Don't worry, justice never befriended me so I just found a way to get used to things. Only God knows what I feel.

And it remains a mystery to the people around me of the truth that lies in these painful memories.

And if my friend happens to read this... I'm sorry for what ever happened but if it makes you feel better I've always told you that you could always hate me any time I'd be fine with that because everyone else does and until now I'm still fine with that.

And don't worry I don't share my secret to anyone. That was why I don't really have a friend that stays by my side every time I thought I had found one.

Sorry for this sad post but I got no where else to go.