can't sleep~

salams,

i've been having a hard time sleeping. when a friend of mine asked why so all i could answer was i'm scared. it has been like this for days and i can't colect myself to put up with this fear. the fear of having to see a person's face when ever my eyes shut.
he's not scary nor is he ugly or anything he even has a lot of fans, but... the thought of him beeing in the same dream and asking me wierd questions scared the life out of me... in my dream i couldn't answer his dreadful q's and alway find myself trapped somewhere... in a house... it alwways has to be a scarry one too!
sigh. i don't know about it but, i'm rally loosing my focus.
someone please halp me. i'm begging on my knees.

cracks of my broken heart.

salam,
i know i don't do this but i need to tell someone some tihing,
here goes...

maybe we need just a little more time
time that can heal what's been on your mind
you can find what we lost before it all slips away
we need time to mend for the mistakes i've made
god only knows what a heart can surive
so many tears from all the pain in our lives
and whare else could we go after all we've been through?
i still belive that my is here with you.

so just hold on
and it'll won't take long
i hope you can love me
when tha pain is gone
i don't want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart
don't want us to fall through the craks of your broken heart

i know it's taking a while but every lesson i've learnt
and if your heart speaks tonight, i'll hear every word
if you want to be free i'll never stand in your way
but with all that i am, i'm asking you to stay

hold on
and it'll won't take long
i hope that you can love me
when the pain it gone
i don't want us to fall through the cracks of a brokan heart
don't want us to fall through tha cracks of your broken heart

there's a light that can burn
it exists in the heart
you can feel it when you know love is true
if you could try to be strong
and keep the light burning long
it took a life time but i found it in you

hold on
it'll won't take long
i hope that you can love me
when the pain is gone
i don't want us to fall through the cracks of my broken heart
don't want us to fall through the craks of your broken heart

of a broken heart...

what i want to do.

salams,
lately i've been writting an awful lot of stories, decribing the inner understanding of my unnoticed problem. it became aware to me that i'm in a bad and worsening situation but never pulled myself to seek help. until i turned 16 which to whom ever has known is a time period of a devastiating experience, the problem built up within myself and i'm no longer able to control it.
never the less, my perents are not aware of this situasion. i refuse to let them know of the dreatfull feelings i am put through and the hardship of keeping it a secret.
yes, i admmit a child who seeks help is the best situation at hand but i some how can't put myself to tell the tale. at least not to my parents. i have friends but every time i opened myself to tell they just tend to disappear like thin air. they sometimes come back but none were willing to stay.
hmm... i watched a documentary of poeple who choose to put their life to an and in their own hands. hmm.. very interesting. i was just wondering of the concequences of the condition. not that i think of myself in it.
threatening. thrilling. sigh.
nothing is good right now. my parents are away right now. not at home. feeling the urge to write but not in my books but somewhere else. i'm not worried because i know no one will read. thats why i kept it a secret. where did i learned all this...? heh... from the movie i had watched...

aku tak bodoh.

very intemidated. sigh. i have problems that i neet to solve but didn't bother to care.

sigh. signing off now.

happy yet sad... it's fate

salams...

yeah don't espect me to tell about raya... i'm done.

i didn't think this year's raye could be awfully boring... it breaks my heart... haha..well i'm just gonna bable a little about fate...

just bare with me key?:)

on a very bad day i couldn't fall asleep. i was tired yes but couldn't shut my eyes. sigh. i had never experieced a very bad day that lead me to have amnesia. hmm...

i couldn't sleep... what do it do now...? hah! i know! i'll surf the internet duh.

so i did so... hehe,... i opened my fav site AFF huhu... if you know what that is then you my friend are my pal... haha just joking...

i read a story about you... there were pictures of you with another person... bisexual?! no hehe wrong story.. they gotte stop writting these kinds of stories... sigh... i read as the aurther described you ... sigh... hey he/she even inserted a short vid!

opening youtube i watched half the video bacause that's where you come in... hehe... not a pervert...

watching and reading i spent the whole night just reading and watching you and only you... i remembered tha days that i spet shaking my head trying to forget about you, constantly writting wierd quots on every piece of paper in hand... alice syndrom... what a laugh...

"i spend my days only thinking about you."

"i caught myself smiling alone when i realized that i was thinking of you..,"

i would write... these odd THINGS and crumpling the papers keeping it safe in my pocket... sigh... but knowing your condision you could never know me... we're just too far away... you've never met me and it would take a miracal for that to happen... you have others by your side but i always wished it was me who stayed...

in the end i gave up just a little telling myself that things just sometimes are impossible... sigh... i love to sigh... sigh. but tonight i found my world revolving around you... it's wierd.

then i slept really late... after dawn. hmm... i dreamt of... YOU!

what?! i never dreamt of you... never. but how it this possible?! things do tend to get crazy.

the next day i couldn't get anything done. i couldn't focus. hi just thought of you. uh. tire + bad day (again).

sigh. then i opened your twitter acount only to find that you had changed your profile image to something familiar... oh! it's tha same image i used for my AFF profile! dejavu..."0.0"

fate can be cruel sometimes. fate can be very twisted too. hehe... and sometimes even play a faul game... but despite the hurtful and painful experience, i always find myself laughing at it... no offence...

but that's what i went through... fate IS a miracal... and it gets you when you lest espect it... hehe... don't you think?

HIDUP TAK SINDAH MIMPI.

salams...

today my friend told me that life is not as it seems in our dreams... it's just a trick... they would say. life will get the better of you if you are not carefull enough...

"mimpi indah ke?" she asked...

well if you were to count nightmares obviously NO is the answer but if you just neglect it for a few mini seconds then life would seem like a fairytale. everything we see would be unrealistic... everything we feel and touche it would seem... impossible that life even existed... but thats how it is...

a poor person would dream of having a huge house and lots of money. one would truely be in grudges towards the rich if a poor does not have enough to pay even for 2 meals per day... yet the rich wishes that they were never born in a silver fork... a rich would want freedom as the parents feel uneasy with the amount of money they have and WILL leave sooner or later if not fallen to the wrong hands... especialy the needy...

in either way none is satisfied... so what does a fairytale life really mean? if one were to wish to be the other yet the other wants to be like that person so what is exactly IS an ideal life... in this case a FAIRYTALE LIFE... I don't think it has anything to do with prince charming or Cindarella or the fact that each hero or heroin has to have an evil guy in it. but the saying...

"FOR A MAN LIFE BEGINS AT 40"

is toleratable... one can only have the mind to say even such things is becaouse the fact that it had already dawned in him that life is noting but a game and needs to be taken measurments... MATURE measurements... therefore they will realise when they are old and start to think of the meaning of life themselves... and that is when it hit them...

they would know by then that life is just a dream... just a fairytale... that they have waisted their 40 years for nothing... and they would want to make it up... but the catch is they can't coz they don't know how to... and trying to create time machines when they know time is someting they could never rewind...

forever will they stay in misery...

so just think about it just for a few seconds... what is an ideal life...? there is a reliegon telling us the meaning of life and why we are here... it also told us on what is an ideal life but ask youreself... did you listen...? or did you even noticed that...? worst yet... did you even know that there is such a thing...???

that my friend only time would tell...

Ramadhan through my eyes...

salams...

It's the forth day of Ramadhan... and I'm here blogging away...
I remembered the days I had on my previous Ramadhan, though it wasn't much and I wasn't that kind of a good person but I'd like to admit that those were the best Ramadhan days ever...

Ramadhan...
to me Ramadhan is the time for us my perents, brothers and I could settle down together and... you just get to know each other...
it's always like that during Ramadhans... and I like that...
but not this time...

this time everything changes...

it's only the forth day and everything is still akward... I remember the times when we berbuke together and my family members would talk non-stop... telling each other about thier days at school and the bazar Ramadhan.. but this time... today... and for the last 3 days... everything wasn't how it's suppose to be...

on the dinner table.. everybody just kept quiet. No soul spoke. not a single sound...

it had already dawn on me that my family moved further away... this situation is breaking us apart... ever since we moved into a new house everything was different... we were further away frim each other... and is contineuing to do so...

the days where we had fun buying a lot of food before buka puasa... gone just like thin air... no laughs... no small meaningless chit chats... and most critical of all...

no more "lets go to tarawih together! and this time to my favourite masjid!" (but in malay...) no nothing... this Ramadhan is the saddest Ramadhan I ever had... I know going back to the past is kindda bad but in this case I think I'd rather stay in the past... where my family were... well... a REAL family...

the only reason I'm even wrintting inthis blog is bacause I know no one will read it so therefore I think it's just a place where I can express my feelings... It's nice to be able to do so anyways...

exam...??!!

salams...

heys... I've just been through an exam... and it was HORRABLE... also.. I almost got the same gpp as my brother... yeah...

yeah it sucks...

well i found this blog...

its bout people telling stories bouut something...

its coooool super cooooool...

http://itypeuread.blogspot.com/